Big Stuff & Deep Thoughts

Wow! What a time of it we are having. BIG stuff...I won't get into it all, but let me say that 911 has even been called this week! (everything is OK...just a scare). The last few days have left my mind spinning and heart aching. Wondering how and why things don't go "as planned"...how people can hurt you and say "I didn't mean it"....and that's somehow supposed to be ok?? Left me wondering if letting the Lord determine our family size was and is really the smartest thing? Why is parenting so painful and hard? How can people say things they say?? How can people look at my family and since it's large and we adopted 5 kids that they can ask me things that nobody should even say outloud? Hmmmm? So, those are the deep thoughts.

I KNOW the answers to many of those questions, if not all of them. I have been a saved person for some time, I read my Bible daily...so I have found the answers in the Good Book. So, like I said I KNOW them...in my head...but as you can see this is where my heart has been left. Such weak faith. God is using this time of pain to grow and mold me. For instance, last night a lady I have never met before was talking to me (our church had a Fall Fest for the kids) and she asked me if i have a hard time loving my adopted kids like my own birth kids....she thought she would have trouble with that! My jaw hit the floor...and I said "no"...they are ALL my kids! This pained my heart...was this true? At the beginning....no, that's not true! I did struggle! I have a child who will kill me! that was hard to deal with....at first. Now, I do love them all the same and I can say that truthfully...how am I so transparent? How could she see that? Why am I ashamed to admit that? Maybe the Lord was directing her to adopt, maybe He wanted me to share. So, share I did. Maybe I sounded like a crazy person...this is what happens...I share our story and peopke say.."oh, you are a saint to adopt abused kids"....ha! What a joke! I am FAR from it! I am just a vessle the Lord is using to help these kids....it has nothing to do with "me"! But God is using this to grow me. I should not be ashamed of that growth....where I was and now where I am. Shame on me. We had an issue with our oldest daughter. A BIG one. I was ashamed. Why? It was her choice...she is my child, yes, but more than that she is my sister in Christ. God has shown me that she makes choice, I make choices, we have to live with the ones we make. she is responsible for herself ( as far as her choices, when she is sinning anyway). You see, she did something that she knew was not honoring to God...and her sin bit her in the butt! I'm glad. It has hurt, still does....but it's not about me. I pray that we can all grow and learn from this. I pray we can move forward. I pray the changes we have made as far as rules and restrictions will honor my Father. Life is tricky. Life is short. Life is for growing. Praise the Lord!