I have had tons of people approach me as of late to ask about adoption through foster care. We adopted 5 children through foster care in Nov. of 2010. It was awesome! I am glad that people are thinking about adoption...it's SOOO important and I am hugely in support of anyone who feels led to adopt. I pray we will have the chance to do it again someday! BUT....these people who are calling me all say the same things...we want kids with no or very few "issues"...only one child....and a child under 2! That's all fine and dandy....but then why are they looking to adopt through foster care? That may sound harsh....and maybe it is harsh. I am a strong supporter of Children and Youth....and foster care is primarily for kids who have "issues"...to say you want a child with no "issues" is just like saying that you really just want a kid and don't really want to do the REAL "foster care thing". People are under the wrong impression by thinking that children who were abused under the age of 3 will suffer no ill effects from their abuse. Wrong. It's part of them. A very important part of what makes them who they are. A part that needs talked about, cried about, prayed about WITH the child. These certain people who have been asking me questions about adoption really don't even intend to tell the kids the truth about who they are. Adoptive parents cannot just pretend to be "birth parents" to these kids...we are not. They have a whole separate "family" that they will want to and need to know about and maybe even meet so they can have some peace with things. I guess the whole point of all of this mumble jumble is this....adoption is not about the adoptive family....it's about the child whom you are adopting. Adoptive families need to realize adoption is not a fairy tale...it's not all dreamy and easy. It's not like you wave a magic wand and have a new family who lives in harmony. Not AT ALL! It's hard...it's sad...it's exhausting. It's SOOOO worth it. But, these people who are asking me questions don't see it that way and then take GREAT offense to my answers to their questions! they ask me if all of my kids get along...meaning birth and adopted...answer : NO! My birth daughter and my oldest adopted daughter hate each other. My adopted daughter tries to ruin my birth daughter's life...by stealing from her and being REALLY mean. Then they ask me..."why did you adopt her then? What are YOU going to DO?" I answer them..."I will DO nothing and we adopted her because God said to do so and because we love her."....then the person who is asking a million questions looks at me like I have 2 heads! People ask me if my baby (he's 4 now, but came to us at 10 months) was "normal".....keep in my mind...these people only want babies...I get to tell them that he hated everyone and would scream like you were gonna kill him when you touched him for over 6 months! That he still has food issues from being starved. they just say "oh"...I feel like I am not being an encouragement to these people and that's wrong of me. It's just that they are not appearing to want to adopt through foster care for the reasons it was intended. Adoption through foster care is beautiful...but it's hard work. It's not just a way to get a "free" adoption! (the county you live in usually pays for the adoption fees)....it's to help kids have a better life. It's to minister to lost souls and show then that God loves them. It's to show then that no matter how many times they steal from you or try to kill your pets that you will love them and pray for them. It's NOT to make them feel creepy for what they do...it's all manifested from their abuse. It's NOT to pretend that nothing happened to them....that makes them feel "dirty" and "odd" for the things they think, say, and do. It's NOT a way for people to get a ready made family. I pray for these people and I think I have upset them with my answers. They were honest answers and they were just shocked by what we live through...daily. I see it as a blessing....they are scared. I pray anyone who is thinking of adopting...decide what you are looking for. Remember that any kids who are up for adoption WILL have issues....they are up for adoption after all! Remember that's it's NOT about you...it's about them. If you adopt through foster care....know the adopted child may never love you....they may never even be able to show love. Love them anyway. they may never be able to eat like a normal person....teach them anyway. They may try to kill you in your sleep....make them feel safe. OR....they could adjust normally and feel like they are just part of your family. We have both. I just described my kids. the thing is....you don't know what's going to happen or what it's going to be like. There are so many failed adoptions because people give up. They had a picture in their mind....and when the picture isn't just as they had envisioned....they are done. This is horrific for the kids....it makes them full of hate for God. Again, if you are thinking about adoption....figure out why you want to....what you want....pray....and don't give up! I pray that many families feel led to adopt....it's very important...it's a command from God to take care of the orphans....just go into it with real expectations and know it's not fair to your adopted child to out those fairy take dreams on thier shoulders!Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Interesting....
I have had tons of people approach me as of late to ask about adoption through foster care. We adopted 5 children through foster care in Nov. of 2010. It was awesome! I am glad that people are thinking about adoption...it's SOOO important and I am hugely in support of anyone who feels led to adopt. I pray we will have the chance to do it again someday! BUT....these people who are calling me all say the same things...we want kids with no or very few "issues"...only one child....and a child under 2! That's all fine and dandy....but then why are they looking to adopt through foster care? That may sound harsh....and maybe it is harsh. I am a strong supporter of Children and Youth....and foster care is primarily for kids who have "issues"...to say you want a child with no "issues" is just like saying that you really just want a kid and don't really want to do the REAL "foster care thing". People are under the wrong impression by thinking that children who were abused under the age of 3 will suffer no ill effects from their abuse. Wrong. It's part of them. A very important part of what makes them who they are. A part that needs talked about, cried about, prayed about WITH the child. These certain people who have been asking me questions about adoption really don't even intend to tell the kids the truth about who they are. Adoptive parents cannot just pretend to be "birth parents" to these kids...we are not. They have a whole separate "family" that they will want to and need to know about and maybe even meet so they can have some peace with things. I guess the whole point of all of this mumble jumble is this....adoption is not about the adoptive family....it's about the child whom you are adopting. Adoptive families need to realize adoption is not a fairy tale...it's not all dreamy and easy. It's not like you wave a magic wand and have a new family who lives in harmony. Not AT ALL! It's hard...it's sad...it's exhausting. It's SOOOO worth it. But, these people who are asking me questions don't see it that way and then take GREAT offense to my answers to their questions! they ask me if all of my kids get along...meaning birth and adopted...answer : NO! My birth daughter and my oldest adopted daughter hate each other. My adopted daughter tries to ruin my birth daughter's life...by stealing from her and being REALLY mean. Then they ask me..."why did you adopt her then? What are YOU going to DO?" I answer them..."I will DO nothing and we adopted her because God said to do so and because we love her."....then the person who is asking a million questions looks at me like I have 2 heads! People ask me if my baby (he's 4 now, but came to us at 10 months) was "normal".....keep in my mind...these people only want babies...I get to tell them that he hated everyone and would scream like you were gonna kill him when you touched him for over 6 months! That he still has food issues from being starved. they just say "oh"...I feel like I am not being an encouragement to these people and that's wrong of me. It's just that they are not appearing to want to adopt through foster care for the reasons it was intended. Adoption through foster care is beautiful...but it's hard work. It's not just a way to get a "free" adoption! (the county you live in usually pays for the adoption fees)....it's to help kids have a better life. It's to minister to lost souls and show then that God loves them. It's to show then that no matter how many times they steal from you or try to kill your pets that you will love them and pray for them. It's NOT to make them feel creepy for what they do...it's all manifested from their abuse. It's NOT to pretend that nothing happened to them....that makes them feel "dirty" and "odd" for the things they think, say, and do. It's NOT a way for people to get a ready made family. I pray for these people and I think I have upset them with my answers. They were honest answers and they were just shocked by what we live through...daily. I see it as a blessing....they are scared. I pray anyone who is thinking of adopting...decide what you are looking for. Remember that any kids who are up for adoption WILL have issues....they are up for adoption after all! Remember that's it's NOT about you...it's about them. If you adopt through foster care....know the adopted child may never love you....they may never even be able to show love. Love them anyway. they may never be able to eat like a normal person....teach them anyway. They may try to kill you in your sleep....make them feel safe. OR....they could adjust normally and feel like they are just part of your family. We have both. I just described my kids. the thing is....you don't know what's going to happen or what it's going to be like. There are so many failed adoptions because people give up. They had a picture in their mind....and when the picture isn't just as they had envisioned....they are done. This is horrific for the kids....it makes them full of hate for God. Again, if you are thinking about adoption....figure out why you want to....what you want....pray....and don't give up! I pray that many families feel led to adopt....it's very important...it's a command from God to take care of the orphans....just go into it with real expectations and know it's not fair to your adopted child to out those fairy take dreams on thier shoulders!
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What a powerful post..you've made some excellent points about the entire purpose of fostering. It's something we should all think about.
ReplyDeleteI am very good friends with a family who deeply understands the issues you are talking about. They've fostered and adopted for many years now..and they have yet to foster or adopt an "unblemished" child. :)
God Bless you!
Right now, we have 3 children and are in the "labor" stage of our fourth - a beautiful girl we are praying to bring home soon from Ukraine. Adoption is a blessing. Back before we were married or had started a family, we knew we would adopt older children when God told us it was time. I keep praying others will find that same calling -- it is time for the fathers to find the fatherless and end that plague!
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